Coach jack,
I'm a retired finance professional and my girlfriend runs
a small public relations firm. We've been dating about 3
years. We live about 40 miles from each other so we
both do a lot of driving to meet for dates. And we can't
see each other as regularly as we would like because it
can be quite challenging. We both own our own large
homes (debt free), but I've been thinking about selling
mine to move in with her to cut down on commute time,
the duplicate expenses, and of course the high cost of
gasoline.
We're both really on board with this idea, but I want to
know if there are some things we might not be
considering if we make this move. I live in a fairly
economically depressed area so if I sell my home, I
certainly won't be getting the top dollar I would have if
I had sold it years earlier. I may not be able to sell it at
all since there are a lot of homes for sale around here.
She and I have no intention of ever getting married, but
we want to live together. We both have grown children
and they are provided for in our wills. We do intend to
keep our money separate and split expenses. I haven't
lived with a woman since I lived with my ex-wife and
that was over 10 years ago. As you can imagine, this
will be a big change on many fronts for the both of us.
I'm also concerned with what it will be like to live with
someone every day since it's been so long since I've
done that. I'm wondering how this might change the
dynamic of the relationship, our attractiveness to one
another (absence does make the heart grow fonder), and
even our sex life. I am a little bit concerned, but not sure
exactly what I should be concerned about. What's your
advice? What are some things we should be thinking
about before considering this change? Should I move or
not?
David from Jamestown
I'm a retired finance professional and my girlfriend runs
a small public relations firm. We've been dating about 3
years. We live about 40 miles from each other so we
both do a lot of driving to meet for dates. And we can't
see each other as regularly as we would like because it
can be quite challenging. We both own our own large
homes (debt free), but I've been thinking about selling
mine to move in with her to cut down on commute time,
the duplicate expenses, and of course the high cost of
gasoline.
We're both really on board with this idea, but I want to
know if there are some things we might not be
considering if we make this move. I live in a fairly
economically depressed area so if I sell my home, I
certainly won't be getting the top dollar I would have if
I had sold it years earlier. I may not be able to sell it at
all since there are a lot of homes for sale around here.
She and I have no intention of ever getting married, but
we want to live together. We both have grown children
and they are provided for in our wills. We do intend to
keep our money separate and split expenses. I haven't
lived with a woman since I lived with my ex-wife and
that was over 10 years ago. As you can imagine, this
will be a big change on many fronts for the both of us.
I'm also concerned with what it will be like to live with
someone every day since it's been so long since I've
done that. I'm wondering how this might change the
dynamic of the relationship, our attractiveness to one
another (absence does make the heart grow fonder), and
even our sex life. I am a little bit concerned, but not sure
exactly what I should be concerned about. What's your
advice? What are some things we should be thinking
about before considering this change? Should I move or
not?
David from Jamestown
| coach jack cook jack@coachjackcook.com 904-312-0693 |
cjc Couples Questions
Relationship Coaching
Relationship Coaching
| Coach jack answers questions for: Couples |
Coach jack,
About three months ago, I met a guy at a party I
attended with my boyfriend. We ended up talking for
quite a while. He's in a relationship too, but it's ending
because she took a job in another state. We exchanged
phone numbers, we've been e-mailing a lot and we both
have met for breakfast and lunch several times.
I feel like I have a new best friend. He's so easy to talk
to – about everything. We haven't been intimate and no
kisses or touching either – but there's definitely strong
attraction. I haven't told my boyfriend about any of
this. Is it wrong to have friends of the opposite sex that
I keep from my boyfriend?
Julie from Georgetown
About three months ago, I met a guy at a party I
attended with my boyfriend. We ended up talking for
quite a while. He's in a relationship too, but it's ending
because she took a job in another state. We exchanged
phone numbers, we've been e-mailing a lot and we both
have met for breakfast and lunch several times.
I feel like I have a new best friend. He's so easy to talk
to – about everything. We haven't been intimate and no
kisses or touching either – but there's definitely strong
attraction. I haven't told my boyfriend about any of
this. Is it wrong to have friends of the opposite sex that
I keep from my boyfriend?
Julie from Georgetown
Coach jack says,
Lies of omission are in fact more hurtful than the spoken lies we utter.
Albeit a white lie or something far darker, all have the same effect,
and bear the same result -- a break down in trust! Spoken or left un-
spoken, lies place us in a position of being "fake" with ourselves and
with others.
Your relationship with both your boyfriend and secret pal are
floundering in deception. Have you told your pal that you failed to
mention meeting him to your boyfriend? So, what's next? Continue
the sham in the certainty of being found out eventually – having to
defend your actions, or having a conversation with your boyfriend
wherein you can explain your action?
Through continuing the deception, the hurt is deeper, and the harm
increased when all comes to light. However, there is some good news
for all the participants in this triangle. Honest, open discussions
(directed by a couples coach) have the potential of uniting each and
all of you in a learning experience – to make the best of your
situation. Action with integrity, based in love may save your
relationships. At the very least, you will come away knowing where
your heart and your loyalties are.
Lies of omission are in fact more hurtful than the spoken lies we utter.
Albeit a white lie or something far darker, all have the same effect,
and bear the same result -- a break down in trust! Spoken or left un-
spoken, lies place us in a position of being "fake" with ourselves and
with others.
Your relationship with both your boyfriend and secret pal are
floundering in deception. Have you told your pal that you failed to
mention meeting him to your boyfriend? So, what's next? Continue
the sham in the certainty of being found out eventually – having to
defend your actions, or having a conversation with your boyfriend
wherein you can explain your action?
Through continuing the deception, the hurt is deeper, and the harm
increased when all comes to light. However, there is some good news
for all the participants in this triangle. Honest, open discussions
(directed by a couples coach) have the potential of uniting each and
all of you in a learning experience – to make the best of your
situation. Action with integrity, based in love may save your
relationships. At the very least, you will come away knowing where
your heart and your loyalties are.
Coach jack says;
I think you already know that distance is relative. It can span room-to-room
or town-to-town. It's the closeness of your love that keeps your relationship
intact. You have done exceptionally well to keep a relationship of distance
going for three years – a cause for much celebration!
Living together encompasses shared time, meals, outings, TV, movies, bed, and
seeing family, to name a few. During your relationship you've done all these.
The mystery is gone. That's exciting! Everything else is periphery.
"Just do it." A relationship is a wondrous, awe-inspiring melding of mind,
body, and Spirit. A relationship has its own dynamic – there will always be
change in the wind. Embrace that change like you would your girlfriend after
an absence. Your relationship is and will be what the two of you create
together, just as it has been. Talk to each other. Share your fears – meet them
head on, share your joys, celebrate them. I believe that in keeping wonder, awe
and joy in your relationship all your cares will be dissolved. Good fortune and
God's Blessing to you.
I think you already know that distance is relative. It can span room-to-room
or town-to-town. It's the closeness of your love that keeps your relationship
intact. You have done exceptionally well to keep a relationship of distance
going for three years – a cause for much celebration!
Living together encompasses shared time, meals, outings, TV, movies, bed, and
seeing family, to name a few. During your relationship you've done all these.
The mystery is gone. That's exciting! Everything else is periphery.
"Just do it." A relationship is a wondrous, awe-inspiring melding of mind,
body, and Spirit. A relationship has its own dynamic – there will always be
change in the wind. Embrace that change like you would your girlfriend after
an absence. Your relationship is and will be what the two of you create
together, just as it has been. Talk to each other. Share your fears – meet them
head on, share your joys, celebrate them. I believe that in keeping wonder, awe
and joy in your relationship all your cares will be dissolved. Good fortune and
God's Blessing to you.
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| Attitudes Are Contagious, Is Yours Worth Catching? |
This is a GREAT way to
learn new communication
skills. You will listen
better, and you will be
heard. cjc
learn new communication
skills. You will listen
better, and you will be
heard. cjc
| LINK TO cjc-reliefnow.org |